Monster
by LadawnTheLiar
Summary: "I admit that you used to scare the crap out of me and that I used to hate you, but not anymore. You've saved and protected me more than I care to accept." Spain is haunted by how he used to act in the past. Good thing Romano's there to try and convince him that he isn't how he used to be. Rated for language.


**So I gave up reading for lent, and so to keep myself occupied I've been writing like crazy. I was listening to _Monster_ by Skillet and this came to me. This probably isn't the first fanfiction with this kind if thing, but ehhhh who really cares? I hope you enjoy!**

**Oh, and during this time Romano is under Spain's control. I try to make it as obvious as I can, but I don't state it directly. **

**I no own**

* * *

_The secret side of me  
I never let you see  
I keep it caged  
But I can't control it_

Spain held his war ax by his side as he glanced out to the battle field before him. Thousands lie dead at his feet, matching the red color on his hands. Giving a sad smile, he spun on his heal and began his journey back to his home.

Since the battle had taken place only a few towns from his own, Spain reached his destination in only a few hours. He was still a mess when he returned, and though he was satisfied with what he accomplished, he didn't want his little tomato to see him in this state.

_So stay away from me  
The beast is ugly  
I feel the rage  
And I just can't hold it_

Ah, Romano, his little colony. He was still such a small boy that didn't understand the laws of war. Nonetheless, Spain knew what his charge thought of him whenever he returned from war. Romano would have mixed feelings of disgust and worry if he saw him, and while the worry was nice, Spain didn't want to be seen as a horrible person.

Yes, it was best if Romano stayed away from him for a few hours. Even this long after a fight, Spain could still feel the blinding rage and adrenaline. He didn't want to hurt Romano, not when it was his job to protect him.

_It's scratching on the walls  
In the closet, in the halls  
It comes awake  
And I can't control it  
Hiding under the bed  
In my body, in my head  
Why won't somebody come and save me from this?  
Make it end!_

Spain collapsed onto his bed, too worked up to go and change. His fingers shook as he attempted to at least remove his boots, but after the third try, he just stopped caring. He wished he knew how to control his strength and anger, and then maybe Romano would be so upset with him. Maybe he'd even get a complement! If only this madness would end.

_I feel it deep within,  
It's just beneath the skin  
I must confess that I  
Feel like a monster  
I hate what I've become  
The nightmare's just begun  
I must confess that I  
Feel like a monster  
I feel like a monster_

A soft knock came from outside, and the door creaked opened. Spain, who was too exhausted to move, didn't stop his charge from shuffling into the room. Romano walked up to the bed and removed the shoes that Spain had failed to take off. The younger nation started to take off the elder's jacket and accessories before leaving to grab a bucket of water. All was done without a single comment.

As he was cleaning the dirt off of Spain's face, the Spaniard shifted his eyes to look into Romano's hazel ones. "Roma…"

"Don't talk, bastard. You'll ruin my hard work."

"But Roma…"

"Shut up."

Spain sighed and allowed his charge to return to his work. As much as he didn't want the smaller to see him in this state, Romano was good at bandaging wounds.

_My secret side I keep  
Hid under lock and key  
I keep it caged  
But I can't control it  
Cause if I let him out  
He'll tear me up  
And break me down_

It happened so ft Spain didn't have time to stop himself. Romano had slipped and wound up elbowing Spain's neck. Only seconds later, Romano found himself on the ground with a bright, red scratch on his cheek.

The air was silent. Romano's face was one of pure terror and Spain matched his with one of horror.

"I-Romano, I didn't—"

"YOU BASTARD! I-I got to help you and you fucking hit me! What the hell?"

Spain flinched at the pain evident in his voice. "I-I didn't mean…oh _mierda, _I'm a monster."

_Why won't somebody come and save me from this?  
Make it end!_

Spain buried his face in his hands. He couldn't bare the sight of his tomato afraid. The nation was soon occupied with his horror, that he didn't notice Romano hesitantly making his way back over to the bed.

"You…you aren't a monster, bastard."

_I feel it deep within,  
It's just beneath the skin  
I must confess that I  
Feel like a monster  
I hate what I've become  
The nightmare's just begun  
I must confess that I  
Feel like a monster  
I feel like a monster_

Spain's head snapped up at the sound of Romano's voice. "But I…Romano, I hurt you."

"I-I know you didn't mean to," he responded awkwardly. The two averted their eyes from each other. Eventually, Spain looked over at Romano to see the remains of a blush on his face. He almost chuckled before remembering what had occurred only minutes before, and reached over to lay his hand over the cut.

"I still hurt you, mi tomate. While it was unintentional, it still happened. You may say that I'm not a monster, but I certainly feel like one."

_It's hiding in the dark  
It's teeth are razor sharp  
There's no escape for me  
It wants my soul,  
It wants my heart  
No one can hear me scream  
Maybe it's just a dream  
Or maybe it's inside of me  
Stop this monster!_

Romano shook his head. "You can't be a monster if you have a heart."

"But- but I kill people! And I don't feel an ounce of sympathy when I'm done! I'm a murderer; I kill as easy as you eat all my tomatoes!"

This time Romano just shrugged. "Not anymore."

"Huh? But Roma, I just came back from war. You can't tell me that I don't kill anymore."

"But now you feel bad. I-I know how you used to be, damn it. But now…now you at least have to decency to look ashamed when you hurt someone. And if you really didn't care about people, would you really be trying to convince me like this? You have your moments, bastard, when your past comes back, but you aren't the past anymore. You only fight if you have to."

_I feel it deep within,  
It's just beneath the skin  
I must confess that I  
Feel like a monster  
I hate what I've become  
The nightmare's just begun  
I must confess that I  
Feel like a monster_

"But you—"

"Damn it, Spain! You aren't a fucking monster anymore! Why the hell can't you understand that?"

"Because, Romano, I used to be like that! You said so yourself! I don't get how you can care for someone who used to take pleasure in blood and torture!"

Romano's face lit up in annoyance and anger. "Ok, one: who the hell said I cared for you? And two: haven't I already explained that you aren't like that anymore? You're a fucking idiot, you know that, bastard."

"You still—"

"Yes! I know what I used to fucking feel." He yelled, exasperated. "I admit that you used to scare the crap out of me and that I used to hate you, but not anymore. You've saved and protected me more than I care to accept. Now lie back down; I didn't finish cleaning the damage."

_I feel it deep within,  
It's just beneath the skin  
I must confess that I  
Feel like a monster  
I'm gonna lose control  
Here's something radical  
I must confess that I  
Feel like a monster_

Spain sighed and rested back against the bed. As Romano cleaned Spain's cuts, he realized that no matter what he said, Spain would always think badly of himself.

On the bed, Spain closed his eyes, a similar thought flying though his mind. He would always feel the same.

_I, I feel like a monster._


End file.
